*Note from K4Paws: Sam's story may be
difficult to read. After significant consideration and to honor Sam's
story and her courage in sharing it, we have posted this unedited.
The reality is that many of our clients face difficult challenges;
which is why they are seeking a service dog.
This is Sam’s story, in her own words…
Disclaimer my story involves the discussion of suicide and
self harm
Hi, I’m Sam. I’m currently completing my degree in nursing, working
towards becoming a registered nurse! My goal is to eventually
specialize in children’s psychiatric care, where I’ll be able to help
kids feel seen, understood, and cared for.
Although I’ve been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder,
persistent depressive disorder, anxiety, and ADHD- I am still facing
many medical issues that have yet to be solved. I wish I could say my
life revolves around more than just my mental health, but I’ve had to
accept the reality that it consumes a large part of me.
Growing up, I was a deeply misunderstood child who just wanted to
feel seen, loved, and accepted. Instead, I was met with a neglectful
and abusive environment that shaped me. Not only did my family, and
all individuals who turned a blind eye, cause me life-long harm, but
so did the failures of the education system, medical system, and other
systems in place meant to protect kids.
I learned that love in my home came with conditions. If I ever
reacted to my deeply painful world, the little love I received would
be stripped away. I learned to shut down and completely detach from
myself because my body didn’t know how to react to seemingly “normal”
textures, sounds, or behaviours. Despite experiencing frequent panic
attacks, meltdowns, and other debilitating emotions, the daily
invalidation I faced kept me quieter - but didn’t take away the
feelings I carried.
At the age of 11 I started experiencing chronic suicidal ideation,
and by age 12 I was so depressed I was unable to properly care for
myself. I began self harming at 13, as it was the only thing that was
able to briefly alleviate the mental pain I endured all alone.
Eventually at the age of 14 I attempted to take my life for the first
time, which was only the beginning of many more attempts.
Finally, at the age of 16 I reached out for help - which is still one
of the most difficult things I’ve had to do. I started weekly therapy,
doctor's visits, medication, etc. but despite trying everything I
could, I have had very little improvement in the last 4 years. People
try to empathize, but the suffering is still isolating in a way that
feels impossible for others to genuinely understand.
I’m drained over the thought of needing to live another day. I’ve had
multiple admissions to the hospital since reaching out for help, but
it’s been an endless cycle of medical professionals saying there’s
nothing more they can do, then discharging me despite being a severe
safety risk to myself.
My nervous system is in a constant state of fight or flight, causing
my mood to fluctuate drastically multiple times a day, laughing one
minute to seriously considering suicide the next. Needing to
cancel/not participate in plans, being unable to manage my own
medication, and being unable to continue schooling at the same pace as
my peers, are just some of the ways I need to accommodate myself to
ensure my safety. Suicide has always been a constant thought in my
mind and has yet to go away - even on the “good” days.
K4Paws isn't a cure, but I’m hopeful a psychiatric service dog will
significantly reduce the risk associated with my chronic suicidal
ideation and self-harming behaviours. The dog will also help me
regulate my emotions, provide me a sense of security during traumatic
flashbacks or panic attacks, and give me back a level of independence
I’ve been missing in so many areas of my life.
Thank you for taking the time to read my story.
While there’s absolutely no pressure to donate, any contribution is
deeply appreciated. All donations are given directly to K4Paws, where
it will be put towards training new service dogs for those on the
waitlist! K4Paws is an amazing organization, and with your support,
you’ll help bring a sense of purpose and hope back into the lives of
so many people.
